Ronzrides

JOKES

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I decided to throw a quiz in the jokes.

Movie Test:

1. Pick any number from 1-9.
2. Multiply by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below


Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
10.Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing..

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BREAKING NEWS!!!

Hank Williams Jr. this past Sunday, during a Fox News interview, apologized for comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler.
Monday, the surviving members of the badly insulted Hitler family appeared on German television and accepted Hank's apology.

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THE RABBITT BIKER

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell

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Stopped For Speeding............... A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags. Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's motorcycle is this? Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too....

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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven bitter lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

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Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

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Women in Leather Dresses

Did You Know This
About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that
when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally?
Ever wonder why?

It's because
she smells like a
N e w T r u c k!

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THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got an Middle Eastern operator and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

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An Auburn fan, an Alabama fan, and a LSU fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.
The Auburn fan insists that he is the most loyal. "For Auburn I will die for my team" ! he yells and jumps off the mountain
Not to be outdone, the LSU fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, To show what a good sport I am he hollers "Roll Tide" and pushed the Alabama fan off the mountain. Purple and Gold no. 1 again.

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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 92 years old and I have never Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said,
'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
Down the highway.
A short distance away
Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out
And easily caught the limo
And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
And when the glass
Was rolled down,
He was surprised to see
Who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
And called his supervisor. He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
To enforce the law....
But I also know that
Important people are
Given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
Very important person.'
The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
Than that.'
The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
Important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked,
'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,
Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

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Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
DONT EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE OLD GUYS!

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A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

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A black woman in New Orleans was admitted into the hospital for a
> pregnancy termination. Two weeks later she received a check for
> $5,000. She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The
> hospital said, "Crimestoppers."

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A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff.. grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

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A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
"HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
"HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
"HE paid for our house at the lake.
"HE paid for our country club membership, and
"HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

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A man is sitting at home on the veranda having a beer with his wife when he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you saying that or just the beer talking?" This is only my first beer today, of course it is me saying it. How could you ask such a silly question? he replied. You knew I loved this beer when I married you.

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Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please.... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

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Real Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "NO!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and played with skinny big breasted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to topless bars and vacationed all around the world and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and tequila and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and shot guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and bought a big boat and all his friends and family thought he was really cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


..... The end

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A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked,
'Is it possible to
speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help,
dear.
What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice
said,
'Norma Findlay Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you
on hold while I check with her nurse After a few minutes, the operator
returned to the
phone and
said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is
doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came
back as normal, and
Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be
discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's
wonderful!
I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in
302. No one tells me shit

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of
the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I
was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20
years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

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An old biker walks into Victoria s Secret to purchase a negligee for his ole lady for their 50th anniversary. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Since it is their 50th, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his ole lady and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the ole lady thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ...he's half blind and it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The old biker says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. Funeral is next week.

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A group of 3rd graders, 4 th graders and 5 th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the racing industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it became time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting out side the men's room, one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one at a time, holding on to their 'wee-wee's' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5 th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race, but I really appreciate your help.'

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A Redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby!
Upon arriving,
The Nurse says....
"Congratulations....
Your wife has had quints....
5 big baby boys!"
The Redneck says....
"I'm not surprised....
I'm hung like a smokestack on a wood stove". The nurse replies....
"You might want to consider getting it cleaned....
The babies are all black!"

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Biker Chili

A duded-up yuppie rider on a rice burner, walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD!
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili!
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker.....
"If you ain't gonna eat that....
Mind if I do?"
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says....
"Nah.....
You go ahead!"
Eagerly, the yuppie wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl
in front in front of himself and starts spooning it in with delight......
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.......
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl!
The old biker quietly says.....
"Yep, that's as far as I got too!"

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A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.
The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde and says,
"God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

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The Blue Pigeon.
The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came
to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.
All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo!
This will get a smile out of you!
The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Mexican?'

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The Lord said, "I made cajuns special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with his Cajuns."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang it, hold on!"
The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello God, what can I do for you?"
God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there."
The Devil said, "Wait a minute," and puts the Lord on hold..
After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said, "Okay, I'm back.
What's the question?"
God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having with the Cajuns down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this... Hold on, God.."
This time, the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These damn coon asses have done put out the fire, and are holding a benefit jambalaya dinner to install air conditioning!!"

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The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

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I was in Costco the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going.."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate.
So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's
wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

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Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

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A biker riding thru the country on night was blind sided by a deer. At the pearly gates, St. Peter asked why he told everyone he was fine when they could have taken him to the hospital and saved his life. "Well it's like this" the biker exclaimed. Anyone could tell that deer was hurt bad by all the moaning and grunting it was doing. A cop showed up looked at the poor deer and shot it right between the eyes. Then he turned to me and asked how I was doing.

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

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A man had 50 yard line tickets to watch the Saints in their first ever Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Saints game we haven't been to together since we got married ."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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Christmas News

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1) There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5) "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9) And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

---------------------------------------------------------------

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, " For Christ sakes!! Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a dump!"

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A little boy walked in his parents bedroom and caught them in the act. His father looked around, grinned and gave him a thumbs up. Later when the father passed his son's room he peeked in to find his son in the act with the sons grandmother. He exclaimed "What the hell is going on here?" The son replied "See it's not so funny with your mom is it?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.
Get your mind out of the gutter and have a happy Thanksgiving.

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

---------------------------------------------------------------

The President and Mrs. Obama are in the front row at a Yankees game.
The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents, one of whom leans over and whispers something into the President's ear. As soon as he finishes, Barack grabs Michelle by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing.
The first lady falls 10 feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities.
The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A liar.

What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?

How can you tell when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.

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Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

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An old biker was about to take his daily ride when his ole lady decided to go. After about 15 minutes of listening to her complain, he twisted the throttle slinging her off the back at 90 mph. When he turned around, he stopped to find her on the shoulder with her eyes rolled back and not moving. He dialed 911 and told them his ole lady fell off the bike and may be dead. What should I do he asked. The operator replied the first thing is to make sure she is really dead. After a brief silence the operator heard a gunshot. The old biker then asked okay what next?

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Two bikers were out riding one day. One biker looks ahead and sees a long funeral procession coming toward them. He pulls off the road, dismounts, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. Bikers aren't all bad.

The old biker then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Biker: Where are you from?
Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.
Biker: Okay then, where are you from, jackass?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap inthe door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob?"

"Jeez Cletus ,ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

----------------------------------------------------------------

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker
steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

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Boudreaux goes to court
In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by
an 18-wheeler that ran a stop sign.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux:
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
"I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down
da road . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the State
Policeman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie.."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis
huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in
da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da
udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I
could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind
o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a State Policeman, he came on da scene. He herd
Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took
hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.
Den da Patrolman came cross d a road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and
said 'How are you feeling?...'"

"...Now what da hell would you say?!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about a year ago) we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now.......the whole country is looking for work!!!!!!"

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I just finished a book about the effects drinking alcohol has on the body both mentally and physically.It scared the living hell out of me. As of today I vow to never read again.

----------------------------------------------------------------Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

----------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine came up with an idea that should make him a millionaire. Landmines that look like muslim prayer mats. He says prophets are going thru the ceiling.

----------------------------------------------------------------

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who's yo daddy. They have as many as 14 babies at a time and haven't got a clue what birth control is. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel discriminated against because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn this is a great country.

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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Scottsdale on the golf course with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING!-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the golf course.
"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Arizona Cardinal T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .

The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

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Who says a motorbike can't have a bucket seat!

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BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian
Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York .

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most
enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters
and brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed
with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in
his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new
name they had given to the President.

They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it
can no longer fly.

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Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!


Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf".

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Biker vs. Sparrow

A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker".

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an
Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange
post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

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Four married guys go fishing.



After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..'


Second guy:'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy:'Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?


Fourth guy:'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am . When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?'


And she said:.. 'Wear sun-block.'

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A golfer in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a

leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside

him.Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him."Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun asked. .................

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ya got me fair and square so ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, "the golfer says.... See more

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun thought "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is on the same hole.He again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him. "It was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

"And tell me, how's money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states, "When I need cash, I reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And how's yer sex life? How many times a week?" the leprechaun asked.

Blushing, the golfer whispers "twice, maybe three times a week."

"Sufferin' jeezus, is that all!" cries the leprechaun in shock.

"Well," says the golfer, "that's not bad for a catholic priest in a small Parish."

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KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

A mother was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said; 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

When asked the golden rule of life:

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
Heather, 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't squat with your spurs on:
Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. --
Traci, 14

Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8

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Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow with a big towel that was having any difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said , "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"

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My neighbors, the two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:

"I wanna watch !"

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Hold Those Chickens

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck
fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided he
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem -- how to
carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little
old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me
how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very
close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry
this lot."

The old lady suggested: "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under
each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the
old girl home. On the way he said: "Let's take my shortcut and
go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said: "I
am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the
wall and have your way with me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied: "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
chickens."

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OLDER GUYS ALWAYS WANT TO HELP!!!


I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that - I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence - I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that!!!

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GOOD TIMING

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.


GUINNESS

There was a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world, Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of Budweiser ordered a Bud, the president of Miller ordered a Miller Lite, Peter Coors ordered a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asked Arthur Guinness what he wanted to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness ordered a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues asked.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

Maria, the Mexican Maid, asked for a pay increase and
> my wife was very upset about this so decided to talk
> to her about it.
>
> She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay
> increase?'
>
> Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I
> want an increase.
>
> The first is that I iron better than you.'
>
> Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
>
> Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
>
> Wife: 'Oh.'
>
> Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook
> than you.'
>
> Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than
> me?'
>
> Maria: 'Your husband did.'
>
> Wife: 'Oh.'
>
> Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover
> than you..'
>
> Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as
> well?'
>
> Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
> ( A few moments of silence )
>
>
> Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

----------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: It pays to mind your own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'..

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines !'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'


1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

Free Sex

Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked one.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two bikers go back to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and
10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the Harley rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon
and try again."
As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," came the reply. "My wife told me about the contest and she won twice last week."

Biker Mother of Six
A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud
that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a
lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went.
At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?"
His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Biker vs. Sparrow
A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Dammit, I must have killed the biker".

A couple bikers decided to check out the local Baptist Church one Sunday. Seeing them come in the and knowing they had a reputation for partying, the preacher decided to send them a message. He had the alter boy go out and dig up some worms. As he started his sermon he placed a worm in a can, filled it with cigarette smoke and sealed it. The next worm he placed in a can, filled it with whiskey and sealed it. The third worm he placed in a can of rich topsoil and sealed it. He went on to preach about drinking, smoking and sinning. At the end of the sermon he opened all three cans to find that the worms in the smoke and whiskey cans had died and the one in the topsoil had lived. He then asked if either one of the bikers in the back row had learned anything from his sermon and the demonstration. One biker jumped up and said "Sure did. If you drink and smoke, you won't get worms!"

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Hell no Santy can't land on the roof this year. FEMA jes give me that new blue tarp.

Jes put er on spin cycle fer 30 secunds Jethro.

I pwomise not to dwink aw daddies bewa agin

OKAY THIS IS NOT REALLY A JOKE!

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:


'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Ape hangers illegal? Catch me if you can!

We don't need no stinkin badges!

Who needs a baby sitter?

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother.

When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......."

And his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, and then tell me the story."

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

"Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

How do the taliban practice safe sex? They mark the camels that kick.

What do you call a taliban with a camel and a goat? Bisexual.

What do you call a taliban with 6 goats? A pimp.

When is it proper to wink at a taliban? When you look thru the scope.

What's the difference in a muslim and ET? ET got the message and went home.

A biker stopped at a riding buddies house to pick him up for a ride. He noticed a mangy hound dog in the front yard. That your dog he asks his buddy. The buddy replies yea, I got him for the ole lady. The biker says well I never talked about your ole lady but since she's gone I'll tell you, you got one hell of a trade.

An elaborate funeral was held for a rich cardiologist who had died. A big heart of roses was at the head of the casket. As the services ended the heart opened and the casket rolled inside the heart. The heart then closed sealing him inside. All the sudden a man seated in the back burst out into laughter. Everyone turned to look. The man explained that he was just wondering what his funeral would be like since he was a gynecologist. Just then the proctologist across the aisle fainted.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she could have any man she wanted.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that truck?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Wonder what your dog does all day while you're at work?

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:"Bartender! Get me a shot of Jack!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another shot!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out the door butt naked, threw her clothes out after her, and told her don't ever to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your best friend?"
"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, looked him straight in the eye and I said: "bad dog!"

I didn't get my ass kicked out! I just ride an air bike.

New caution sign at the pump